Trust me, I'm a romantic

I really dislike commercialized Valentine's Day. I am a positive person. I just see the entire holiday as a mere frivolity.

Not in the sense of doing nice things when you are a kid, or for your kids or for any other person that you care about for that matter. But I don't like seeing entire store displays constructed to house chocolate, teddy bears, and long walls of pink and red cards. Let’s not even mention paying an exorbitant amount for flowers.

I like flowers. I like receiving flowers. I normally dry and save the flowers I receive if it is from someone really important. I want flowers on any other day but Valentine's Day. Then it seems more like the person is sending flowers not because they should, but because they want to. A dozen on Valentine's day is equal to the price of three dozen any other day (except maybe Mother's Day) - so it is also the logical way to go.

I like cards and love notes. I just would rather have them born of an honest desire.

I am a romantic. I want bubble baths with wine, dancing and dinner (or hell, dancing in the middle of dinner) but I want them out of the blue on a random Tuesday. I think there are so many chances throughout the day, everyday, to let someone know that you value them. I'd rather be able to appreciate those moments, than force down something cliché on February 14th.

I usually spend months thinking of the perfect gift, even if it is small. That being said, my rules for Valentine's Day gift giving are:
- Nothing specifically themed.
- No flowers, chocolate. candy, or anything of the like.
- Something that cost no money at all is best, but otherwise under $20.
- Action or doing items are better than "thing" items.

A new day, a new office, a new job

I moved offices today at work, because I happened to luck out and keep my job (or a job I should say... because my new job will be a cluster of somebody else's job and the other things that roll through the door.) I packed four boxes of my experience so far and hauled it one floor up to re-filed in an unfamiliar place, among unfamiliar people, in an unfamiliar role.

The walls now surround me are entirely bigger than I deserve and I'm just hopeful (and a bit scared) than my ideas are at some point worthy of filling them. There are some pretty good sized stains on the carpet though - so maybe it is more than I deserve, minus 2.

Every office/job move up until now came with more padding it feels like. It definitely came with more people I knew and surely it came at a happier time in the working world. Maybe that is normal in the average career progression, you trade more experience for less padding.

Everyone is also much more important than I am. Many levels above me. This makes me question if I should be wearing a suit to come across as more capable. The good news is however, that although my new neighbors are in the same building, they haven't really seen much of me before... and this makes it possible to break the normal rotation of corporate dress. I can repeat things I have worn in the recent past if it is the only thing I can come up with in the morning and they will never know.

And that takes the edge off of the start of my giant new undertaking that semi-begins tomorrow and that partly began back in October, with a slight pause of "What the hell is going on here?" in December.

And amidst the stumbling that this week might bring, I have to come up with something wonderfully understated for the first time for someone on this painfully confusing holiday weekend...more on that later.

My heart set on...

With things being fairly uncertain regarding who I work for, what I am supposed to do, if I even have a job and for how long, I’ve been feeling the urge to accomplish more. And with tacking on another year soon, I’d like to cram some events in now. My current personal, professional and random to do list in no particular order is (some of which are in progress, others I don’t have a plan on when to complete):

Return to cooking and become ok by modern cuisine standards.
Improve my usage and understanding of technology.
All things resulting in new skill acquirement.
Keep up with family, friends and co-workers more. Especially if they are living elsewhere.
Becoming more aware of diverse things. (Current demand for milk powder, family customs in India and the latest craze if you are a five year old, for example.)
Have a serious multi-threat skill base in reading, writing, speaking, presenting, thinking and communicating in general.
Find the perfect tall brown boots.
Dance and hold hands with someone in the rain.
Pick up a basketball again, it has been such a long time.
Skate more.
Buy a house. (Job security necessary)
Own a classic vintage item.
Go to a psychic. The vet in my home town’s brother is – a real one too.
Lose 20 pounds and wear my favorite skinny jeans.
Create more avenues for income.
Travel.
Travel alone somewhere.
Travel to Europe.
Visit California when the tickets are cheap.
Regularly push the boundaries of my comfort zone.
Teach or mentor young girls again.
Take advantage of as many creative outlets as possible.
Become better about filing paperwork.
Get in one hell of a massive food fight.
Re-do my tattoo. It seems to be fading in some spots. Ouch.
Figure out the best way to organize the shitload of clothes I have.
Own legitimate furniture. I still have my $50 couch from college, and though it still looks very good, its probably time for a new one.
Make more jewelry.
See Sarah McLachlan in concert, front row. Cash out 401K if needed. Yes, it is that important.
See John Mayer in concert in California again – the energy is so much better than in Michigan.
See John Mayer in Connecticut – where it all began.
Take dance lessons with someone I will want to dance with.
Try one new food a week.
Do something with the 100’s of Harper’s, Lucky, Vogue, etc. issues I have.
Buy a fairly nice camera and learn how to use it.
Put together one fabulous outfit for the party on Saturday.
Remember & find the name of the song I heard on the radio on the way home…

The feeling of nice shoes

The meaning behind a Dad has always been an unknown to me, but I've become much more curious to understand the depth behind the relationship one has with their father.

I watch all Dads with interest. I think I've always done it, but only become aware of the need to define unknown feelings in the past year. I am especially attuned to the men I know and their role in life as their child's parent. Having the context of him in one realm or another makes his role as a father more meaningful.

I often wish I could sit and watch interactions between a dad and his child (without coming off like a stalker). It feels like I am person wandering a foreign city and culture for the first time. I like to see how a dad looks at his child and how they look back at him.

I wonder.
What they talk about.
What they do together.
How they feel.
Why they respect each other.
How they touch each other.
How they learn about each other.
Why they love each other.

I wonder if the relationship with your father feels like slipping your feet into your shoes (especially after touring someone else's shoes). I think your father is supposed to know you like your toes know every single contour of your favorite pair.

I watched as my friend's near adult daughter crawled up in a ball next to him on the couch as he put his arm around her. I listened to my boss and his daughter at a coffee shop and couldn't get through a single page of the book I faked reading. I think a man has his heart wide open when he looks at his kids. Or at least a real man will and that is how you’re supposed to tell the difference.

The only regret

Taking a shower after sex is one part destruction, one part smile.
The different smells of your skin on my skin are leftovers I want to keep.
The shower brings them out to be warm and real once again.
Only to wash them away.

Leaking the advantage of age

I am somewhat hesitant to roll over another year. Saying "for what its worth, this is what I think" at my age is pretty advantageous. Based on reactions, there might be a limited amount of people who want to do exactly that (at any age) in a business environment.

I'm willing to be wrong. And I'm willing to learn. Is that confidence? Self-assurance? I've heard people say that some are afraid to stake a claim. Thus any success that I've had may be soley attributed to the fact that I can say, "given these assumptions, here's my opinion. And by the way, I might be wrong."

At the end of the day, if I am, there are people who might caveat that I'm only 23. At 24, it feels like a little piece of what makes possibly being wrong acceptable, fades away.

Sunny side up

For the first time I felt the need to capture thoughts, feelings and events. I’m more of a thinker, but lately I’ve been among too many thoughts. So for about a month I’ve been writing down thoughts, just in case they didn’t come back.
Some random things that happened in 2008, in semi-organized form:
I spent New Year’s Eve with friends that came and left and sent messages to the ones I wished I was with.
I went on a first date on my birthday. He gave me flowers and a card. The best part was just that it was different. He left some voicemails which classified as pee-your-pants funny. He was a creeper, so he was shown the door quickly after.
I reconnected with an old friend.
I found that I enjoy salmon.
I told someone what I genuinely felt with no regrets.
I went through four bosses.
I felt butterflies from a man who was (is) a friend.
I put my heart in one basket.
I went to some damn good concerts.
I misplaced August & September in the midst of work.
I cried over the man above.
And stressed.
And smiled at the man above.
I missed two concerts I held tickets to.
I was given a raise and a promotion.
I was offered a new job.
I took it. Accept for the fact that it was on hold and now may never be.
I tested my patience.
I cemented a few more things that I’m sure of.
I chipped away at the large collection of things I don’t know.
I passed a pregnancy test. Then failed four. Then got my period. Then could breathe again.
I had dinner with friends.
I gave the man above the best gift I ever given anyone. Ever.
I ended the year with a smile and began with a kiss from someone who made me breakfast. A really good, multi-faceted breakfast.